This post has changed dramatically within the last few hours. Let me explain…..
When I woke up this morning, I was a grump. My back hurt because we need a new mattress. I’ve been staying up too late and staying in bed too long which adds to the grumpiness. Technology hated me this morning, which did not help the situation. And today is my one year anniversary from starting this blog. (My first post wasn’t for another month, but the blog address itself was born one year ago today.) You know what? That made me even grumpier.
Because I decided to go back and read my first few posts. And as I read them, I realized nothing had changed. I mean, some things changed, like homeschooling, for example. But as a whole for myself, nothing changed. My mental state is the same. My attitude and issues are the same. My blocks that keep me from moving forward and making any significant changes are the same. The same. The same. THE SAME.
So, what did I DO for a whole year!? I mean, how could I have made zero progress? Don’t get me wrong, there were some baby steps in there, but nothing stuck. My cleaning routine for my house went well for a month, then we all got sick and I stopped. My No Excuses July was the best month I’ve had in a long time because I was doing something for me, but then July ended and I stopped. August rolled around and I was back to being sick of myself, so I stopped posting because the whining going on in my head was unbearable and I did not want to have to put you guys through it. Again. So I stopped posting.
I stopped moving forward. But do you know what didn’t stop?
Oh, we all got sick and I got out of my routine, so I’ll just try again another time.
I rocked July, but hey, now it’s August 1st, so it’s ok for me to take a short break. I’ll start running again next week.
I have a great blog idea, but I just don’t have the time right now with homeschooling, so I’ll just do it later.
Another time. Next week. Later. Someday. Next month. Monday.
These words are the bane of my existence. I always rationalize that I will start some other time. I even do it in the morning…. Oh, look, it’s 6:24. Might as well wait til 6:30 to get up.
My issues are insane.
So, my originally planned blog post this morning was all that stuff above. It was me beating myself up again about the lack of change and the regrets of doing nothing to “fix me” and on and on and on. I’m quite certain there were some witty quips in there as well, but I forgot to write them down and they’ve since left my brain.
So, what changed?
I sat down to do our budget for next month before I started writing and found out that an extra paycheck this month will help with paying down some of the debt that we’ve had forever. Progress! I took a look at my oil business and noticed that we have officially surpassed our best month in the short time I’ve been working it. Huh, more progress! Small little changes have been working in some areas, but I’ve just chosen not to see them and instead have focused almost completely on my (internal, made-up) problems. I’ve kept telling myself that I’ll never change, or I’ll never get out of this rut, or I’ll never be able to pay off the debt or build another successful business….. But you know what? That isn’t true. Those small successes with the debt and the business were enough to change my whole attitude around in a very short time. So, if I can do it there, what’s to stop me from making the changes to improve my household and my health? To improve my relationship with my family? To improve my relationship with me? So, what’s stopping me?
I am. Plain and simple. I’m allowing excuses to run every aspect of my life, and then I’m feeling sorry for myself and allowing myself to wallow in my pity-party-woe-is-me hole. I’m allowing all my negative self-talk to win every time. I know I can beat it – I did it in July for crying out loud! – so, why not now?
But see, that’s the key. Now. Not Monday. Not next month. Not tomorrow. Not later.
Now is when I need to (re)start. Now is the only way I will be able to look back a year from today and see significant changes instead of feeling regret of another year of the same crap all over again. Now is the time, but this is a two part issue. Now sounds good, but it can’t be for just a week or just a month. If I put a time limit on it, I have a bad habit of stopping just when things are on a roll. I need to start now and continue until the changes are made. Until the habits are set.
So, then the question becomes…. How?
Again, my mind automatically goes through all the reasons why now isn’t convenient. Now is too hard, too cold, too whatever. (It’s really, really hard to argue with your own mind and win, especially when your mind has won the arguments 99.9% of the time in the past.) So, how do I win this argument? How do I make this time different? Thankfully, this past weekend gave me the answer.
That’s all. I have to just do it instead of thinking about it. Oh, I should probably clean the bathroom but…. Nope. Just do it. I really should reach out to so-and-so but….. No. Do it. I have to really get serious about setting up schedules in this house, maybe later….. Do it. Do it now!
You will never get it done if you are always going to start tomorrow – unknown
I think the only way I will succeed at anything I want to do is to not give me the opportunity to argue with myself. If there is no time to rationalize or justify excuses – or even come up with excuses – things will get done. So that’s my new mantra starting now.
(In fact, that’s how this post managed to be written.)
So, here’s to new beginnings! Not next year or even next month. Now.