Getting it all wrong

We attended an awesome sermon on Sunday about seeking first the Kingdom of God, and everything else falls into place. I’m trying to put that into practice in my life. I *thought* I was already sort of doing that. But now, I am pretty sure I was wrong.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Well, dwelling, actually. Maybe even wallowing. I’m finding this mom thing to be hard and time consuming and no one listens and everyone is making me crazy and why can’t I do what I want to do and how am I supposed to find my gifts and purpose in life with these little people interrupting all my deep thoughts and inner conversations… and… and…!!! Poor me, right? So I’ve been praying “show me what I’m supposed to be doing” and “help me figure out how to fit more in my day” and “help me to see what I need to do to be more successful”.

Apparently, I’ve been too wrapped up in me.

You see, I’ve been reading a lot about big dreams and all these people that are so inspiring and successful. And I want that to be me. I want to inspire! I want to be important!

I’m sure I’m meant for more than just this, right…?

So, Tuesday morning, I’m searching through my Bible and looking up stuff on children. Mainly discipline related. Maybe even something involving “smiting”. Because no one is listening to me these days!!! 

Instead, I was led to Psalm 127:3. Do you know what it says?

“Children are a gift from the Lord….”

That stopped me right there. I know I’ve heard it before, but reading it – when I was literally searching for ways to get them to listen to me – made me freeze. Children are a gift. You know what’s funny about gifts? They don’t have to be given. There is no obligation for someone to give you a gift, no matter what society tells you.

This one verse reminded me of all the heartache we faced over 10 years ago with fertility treatments that didn’t work. These words brought back all the tears and the unanswered questions about why we couldn’t conceive. This moment made all the years of continued failed attempts at pregnancy – with both of our girls – come rushing back. This verse reminding me how much I wanted to be a mommy, back before I was able to be one.

MY children are a gift from God.

What if I am supposed to do just this right now? What if I start treating my kids like the gifts they are, instead of making them feel like inconveniences when I’m doing something “important”? What if I’m supposed to be here to inspire my girls and not the masses of strangers out there? What if being here and present for them day in and day out causes them to become women who inspire the masses and change the world?

I’ve not really thought of that. I selfishly want it to be me that’s big and important. I want people to know me – which is funny because the majority of the time, I just want to be by myself. I see myself more as the reclusive artist/writer who lives a quiet life off the grid. Hard to do that AND be big and important.

So maybe my focus has been all wrong. Maybe it’s not about me finding myself. (At least, not right now.) Maybe it’s about helping my kids find themselves, to become what they are supposed to be. To find and use their gifts. Who knows, they may be the ones that change the world someday.


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