I’m going through this crazy period of self-reflection. I don’t know if it’s an identity crisis or a mid-life crisis or if I have just read too many self-help books, but it’s causing me to search and dig deep to find out what drives me. (I’m not usually this deep and reflective, so it’s making me bonkers. To be perfectly honest, I much prefer my witty, sarcastic persona, but I’m thinking that’s just my “safe” me, not my “real” me. Good grief, I need therapy or something….. Introspection hurts my head.)
It’s frustrating because I have no idea what I’m “supposed” to be doing but I feel like there’s something – I know there’s something – and it’s scary because if I do figure it out, what do I do about it? And if I don’t figure it out, what then? I keep trying the “if I could do anything, what would it be” exercise, and I’m coming up empty. How sad is that?
I’m not looking for a career or anything. Heck, I’ve been a stay at home mom for nearly 9 years now, and I have zero interest in getting back into the work force and doing life based on someone else’s rules and schedule. (That’s why I’ve been in direct sales and now oils. I “work” on my terms….) I’m just looking for direction, I guess, toward something more than just the dishes and the laundry.
Don’t get me wrong, I love my life. I love Hubby and the kids more than anything, and we live a happy life. I just know there is so much more out there, and I want to experience it with them. I want us to have a life that is not just ordinary. I know extraordinary is out there because I read about it. I see it. And I want it. And while it’s good to be content, I don’t want to get stuck in ordinary and not strive for more. I just don’t know how to get there yet.
I’ve been making a running list in my head (sometimes it makes it to paper, although those papers keep getting lost). This list may or may not point me in my right direction, but it’s a start. It’s a list of what I want, what I think makes me happy, and what I may be afraid of. It’s a list of seemingly random things, but I’m hoping that somehow, they connect and will guide me to my purpose and my passion and hopefully, to my extraordinary.
(Ugh, I sound like a self-help book just waiting to happen, don’t I? *sigh*)
Why am I posting it here? Because I keep losing my papers, of course! So, here goes…..
I want to create.
I want to inspire.
I want to learn and to teach.
I want simplicity.
I want to travel and explore.
I want to be surrounded by the beauty of nature and God’s creation.
I want to slow down.
I want to savor.
I want less time wasted.
I want to cook from scratch.
I want to enjoy my kids and see the world through their eyes.
I want a stronger faith.
I want quiet time.
I want to be strong.
So, what do we think? Anyone out there have any clue what I’m supposed to be doing? How I can get to my “extraordinary”? Anyone?
Guess I’ll keep searching and digging.