Oh, I’m just a little black rain cloud…

The chaos is coming back.

The small amount of control that I was finally grasping is running through my fingers like sand. I can feel it, and it’s making me very grumpy.

Somehow over the last three or four weeks, I think I’ve lost the ground that I was gaining. The good habits that I worked on building have fallen. My cleaning routine is still posted on our little weekly dry erase board, but it hasn’t been regularly tended to since before the bouts of sickness that went through the house this month. The grand idea I had for changing our food habits never came into fruition. (I blame the Girl Scout cookies.) While I’ve been pretty good about weekly menus this month, I had wanted to accomplish so much more…

And now, here we are. A brand new month starts tomorrow and I’m in a sour mood. No excitement about what was accomplished like I had at the turn of this month. No real goals in place for this new month. Nothing but a bad attitude. Boo.

Maybe it’s the winter wearing on me. Maybe it’s the overwhelm creeping in on me about all of the everything. Maybe it’s the lack of quality time I’ve had with those closest to me – through no fault but my own. Maybe it’s our Internet being intermittent at best, or the washing machine that seems to be on the fritz. Maybe it’s the self-berating and lack of grace for falling back into just about all of my worst habits.

Ugh.

So, today is just one of those days, after one of those weeks, at the end of one of those months.

March is supposed to be my “Me” month, where I start to take better care of myself since the housework would be taken care of with my routines and the food/meals would be covered after this month of tweaking systems. Except that the routines aren’t sticking and the planning has been lacking. So now I’m not sure what March will bring. Maybe it is still a good idea to focus on me, since I’m not much good to anyone when I’m like this.

But I don’t know how.

I know I need to have a plan for the month or else it will just be a repeat of this month. But my mind is a fog and my ambitions are low. My house is nearing cluttered disaster again, the kiddos are a bit out of control on certain things because I just can’t seem to bring myself to consistency, and I’m wondering what the heck happened.

So, with a current lack of direction and motivation, I’m going to go eat cookie.

Then I’ll think of the next baby step.

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