I’m having a day. Well, more like a year(s) in all honesty. I’ve been restless. I’ve been distracted. I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something, or I’m supposed to be doing/being something/someone else. I’m calling this my Time of Transition.
And it’s scary.
I’m not a fan of change. Just ask Hubby. I like my comfort zones. In fact, once Hubby swapped two of my drawers just to see what would happen, and my brain couldn’t comprehend what to do because I get so set in my ways and routines. He was amused. I was all discombobulated.
So, a few years ago this unease started to settle in. I ignored it. Figured it was a phase and an annoyance at most. But, day by day and little by little, the annoyance grew a bit. Just a smidge, but enough. Now, a couple of years later, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I feel restless and uneasy. I feel anxious and incomplete, like I’m supposed to be doing something and not sure what that “something” is. So, changes are coming…..
My job is one change. I’m in sales and have become surprisingly successful at at. I reached all the goals I set for myself in the 5+ years I’ve been doing it, but it’s not right anymore. It doesn’t fill me with passion. In fact, as much as I love the company and the people, I feel like I could walk away tomorrow and be ok. I’m not sure what this means. Who walks away from something at the height of success?! Maybe I do. For right now, I’m “cutting back”. I’ve given myself a demotion. I plan to scale back significantly. That’s scary because that means little to no income, but again, somehow a part of me feels like that is ok.
So, then what am I “supposed” to be doing? I think my unrest is due to my wanting to find my “true calling” and my purpose. What does God have planned for me, because what I have been doing isn’t it. If it was, I’d be feeling fulfilled, not anxious. So, what now?
I have absolutely no idea, other than I believe it involves me being home much more. I’m happiest when I’m doing the homemaker things, much to society’s dismay. I’m most relaxed when I’m doing my best for my family – which has suffered greatly while I was building a successful business. So, that’s where I will start. But I have no goals, no aspirations. No direction.
You know what that means? I need guidance. And there is only One that can give that to me. I haven’t asked for His help, although I’ve talked to a whole lot of others about it. I’ve ignored the pulls in any certain direction, and instead keep looking at what I think *I* want to do, not what He wants me to do. I’m pretty sure that’s the internal struggle I’ve been battling. I’ve been selfish, and I know it. I know I will feel better once I just listen to Him, yet I don’t ask. Why?
Because I don’t know if I truly want to hear what He has to say about my life, if I’m being completely honest. What if He tells me I’m supposed to be doing something completely different? What is He leads me in an uncomfortable direction that I would have never in a million years chosen for myself? But…. What if He shows me talents I didn’t know I had? What if He leads me to something amazing? What if, what if, what if…?
The unknown scares me. I don’t know if I can take the plunge, even though I know in my heart it will be amazing. I can’t seem to just get quiet and ask. My head keeps getting in the way. I keep waiting for the perfect circumstances – the “right” quiet time and place, the “right” prayer journal with the “right” verses, the “right” words to use. I know when I do ask, the response will be awesome. But for some reason, I’m not ready.
What am I waiting for?