Questions have been gnawing at me for quite some time now that I’m an adult with kids of my own. What is my passion? What am I here to do? What talents do I have? What is God’s calling for me? I’m pretty sure I’m not doing it, whatever “it” is.
I remember as a kid loving to read and to draw. I would say those two activities took up most of my free time. I would sit for hours and read books cover-to-cover without even noticing the time flying by. I would grab my pencils and a sketchbook and sit to draw the trees or a doll or a picture from a video cover. I didn’t usually come up with original ideas to draw, but I loved to sketch what I saw. I wanted to write and illustrate my own children’s books. I wanted to be an artist. I wanted to learn to paint and sculpt. I wanted to create.
So, when did things change?
My “easy” answer? School. Don’t get my wrong, I loved school. I was smart. Book-smart. I was the kind of smart that made for excellent test-taking, so I excelled in school. I was the teacher’s pet, the one who volunteered, the one looking for accolades on what I accomplished. I was great at school, so that’s what I focused on. I didn’t have to work very hard at it, so it was my “comfort zone”, of sorts. The problem? The better and better I became at school, the further and further I drifted from my creative side. In fact, because I was so good at school and on the college-bound path, I never took a single art class in high school. Not one creative writing class. Not one. Why? Because it wasn’t an “honors” or “AP” class, so it would bring down my GPA. It would make my status as a top student drop, so I was steered from that path.
In college, I was on the law-school path. I took all the “right” classes, and while I didn’t excel like I did in high school, I still did really well. One year on a whim, I decided I wanted to be an art major. So I switched from the Liberal Arts path of Criminal Justice/Psychology to Studio Art. I took drawing classes that I loved, and a photography class that changed me. The funny thing is I did not excel in these classes. In fact, I was definitely not one of the “top” students – I had missed out on years of practicing my talents so I was behind. At the end of that year, I transferred back to my “safe” majors. I would never get a job as an Art major, I reasoned, so it would be silly to continue down that road. But now, looking back, I took the easy path by making that decision. I took the classes that I was good at without having to work too hard. I took the classes that were “smart”, but not my passion.
I did work in the legal field in my pre-kid life, but never went to law school. (Thankfully that was one expense I managed to escape.) Now as a SAHM, I joke that I only went to college to meet Hubby, and he was awfully expensive.
So, where does all this internal rhetoric get me? So far, nowhere productive because it just leads me to more questions.
Some of those questions are leading me towards homeschooling.
I considered it years ago when Peanut was very young, but then we moved into a house with great schools and the idea never really crossed my mind again. That is, until about a year ago. The idea came back to me, and I shrugged it off. After all, we are in a great school district, Peanut is an excellent student, and we’ve had no problems. Plus, I would have only about 2.5 years til FREEDOM with both kids in school full-time! The countdown was on! So, I ignored the “what ifs” of homeschooling. And then, about six months later, the nagging thoughts became more persistent. And more frequent. And more annoying, quite honestly. I mentioned the thought to Hubby, and he didn’t automatically reject it like he did when Peanut was small. So we started talking more and more…. and it’s looking like it may become a reality next fall. The “final” decision has yet to be made because committing just scares me to death, but everything is pointing us in that direction.
I still have no idea why we are being lead down that path, especially since part of me is kicking and screaming about it. I mean, I’ll be going from FREEDOM to more time at home with both kids and even less time for me. That doesn’t sound like a fabulous plan. But the thoughts are still there, leading me in a direction I never thought I would actually go.
Who knows? Maybe this direction will steer me closer to my elusive passion and purpose. Maybe it will create lasting memories. Maybe it will help us grow closer as a family.
Or it could cause me to question my mental state frequently and drink more. Guess we’ll have to wait and see!